Who invented spandex? Seriously, what sort of person woke up one morning and thought ” I got it! Pants that not only suck the life out of you, but meticulously keep body parts in place”. Thank God for Google! They no doubt help humans sleep better at night as they hold the answers to all of our random thoughts and often insignificant questions. Evidently, the Google Gods knew that spandex were on my mind since when I typed “who invented s . . . ” in the search bar, spandex was the first option to pop up! I guess I did Google “how to get a tight gluteus maximus last week, so they definitely drew from my history and put two and two together. While Google seems to think tighter pants will solve my butt problem, they need to be more realistic. I can’t wear spandex 24/7, so I think when you purchase a pair of spandex the purchase should include a pamphlet that outlines exercises for the customer to consider.
In any case, I decided to research beyond the always reputable Wikipedia site and in doing so, it seems to be unclear regarding who, specifically, invented spandex. What is clear, however, is that the inventors were chemists! Who knew that behind every tight butt lied a science freak (pun intended). I, like many of you, have a love-hate relationship with my spandex. When I wake up for my early morning runs, I know there is no turning back once the spandex are on. Shoes? Those can easily come off. Hat? Not a problem. But spandex . . . There better be a really really good reason for me to have to change out of those bad boys pre-workout. If Ryan Gosling was at my door, on one knee, surrounded by 16 kittens and 27 puppies, I might consider changing, but realistically when the spandex are on, it’s go time!
I mentioned a “love-hate” relationship because most of us are pretty happy once we get our spandex on. The world seems to ‘fit’ a little better. Everything is in place, you feel as though you have an endless range of flexibility and the mirror suddenly becomes your friend. Actually, after suiting up in spandex I often have this weird inclination that I am invincible! Seriously, even if you thought you weren’t flexible, after putting on a pair of spandex you’re automatically convinced that you could be a gymnast. The other day I did a cart wheel and I am pretty sure I haven’t done a cart wheel since grade six. I won’t go into details regarding how I felt after, but the fact is that I threw myself sideways and pulled off a miraculous split while rotating. Could spandex be the 21st century source of empowerment?! I guarantee someone will turn that thought into a marketing frenzy in no time. Anyway the spandex are on, and your loving life! But let’s not forget part two of the equation: getting them off. We’ve all had that experience where you are either super sweaty, post workout, or you find yourself glued to the fabric because of humidity. You get home from your run, your tired, and likely in a rush to get showered and start your day. Yet little did you know the battle has yet to begin! After squeezing the pants over your hips and thighs, men carefully maneuvering over the gems, you need a moment to catch your breath and reset your position as your prepare for part B of the process. Next you find yourself lying on your back, on your bed having an endless kicking match against the air. So there you are, lying on your back kicking the air, which you almost don’t mind doing because it brings you back to life as an infant; lying helplessly on a change table waiting for someone else to finish the job. Yet after 5 minutes of kicking you fast forward a few decades back into the present and there you are alone, on your bed realizing that the process is at a halt because one, your kicking the air for crying out loud, and two, you forgot to remove your socks! Annoyed, you rock yourself up to a seated position, lean forward, grab your feet and remove the woolly mammoths. Now, if you’re a spandex veteran you’ll go ahead right there and rip off your spandex; very well knowing you won’t defeat the ankles by kicking the air. Some of you, however, are new to the spandex scene and after removing your socks you lie back down on your back and attempt round two of the air kicking match. Next you find yourself laughing because you’re frustrated and annoyed, followed quickly by swearing because you’re frustrated and annoyed. Then it hits you that the reason you can’t get them off is because the fabric is stretchy and you can’t get a sturdy grip with the other foot. Defeated, you rock yourself up to the seated position, rip the spandex off your ankles and dash for the shower. Sigh, no one said relationships were easy, but there’s always tomorrow to explore a new technique!